i really, really wish there was some kind of formalized courtship process that could let people explicitly know what the fuck is going on at different stages. calling cards, one set for non-sexual requests for engagement and company, one set for sexual but non-amorous approaches, and another that indicates amorous intent. i like passionate sudden approaches because it gives me a better idea of what is possible and where i stand with someone than slow-drip dating nonsense.
i really, really can’t express to you what an incredible privilege it is to be able to have shit just flow along; if you do, you are either NT and/or have an incredible amount of beauty privilege. and hey, i love beautiful people! i think i am beautiful! i just have no idea what is going on, and am this black queer womyn which is to literally be a non-sexual object (or completely sexualized and non-amorous object). i almost started crying reading one of those ridiculous ‘love’ questionnaires on here because no, i have never had anyone say they don’t ever want me to be out of their life.or any of that amazing beautiful shit that people say to each other when they care for one another and want to take care of each other. or if they have, it is usually after they have abused me and want to regain control somehow. i have no idea what it feels like to be involved with a loving person who is fully accountable for their behavior and supportive of me. when people are together in this way near me, i almost feel as if i am forbidden to look at them, almost forbidden to be in the same social spaces, because that kind of connection isn’t allowed for someone like me and that idea makes me so angry that i just have to try and wish them joy i don’t feel, and this isn’t jealousy. it is shame, it is anger and pain and loneliness.
i have no idea what that looks like.and i don’t want anything else right now(what am i saying i want and i want everything i want but i don’t know if i can stand to just never be satisfied, i am almost afraid to be attracted to people at this point, i almost just want to criticize them into unattractive bits, cut them up and throw them into the nile, get them away from my heart),am so sick of this longing.
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