on the third day she woke up and there was shitty techno in her head like she was 17. it was 1999 and she realized that no one was coming for her only she’s nearly 30 now and she KNOWS no one is coming for her. on the third day she woke up and she had no gods and no one was coming for her and a headache and she sat down. she hung herself on the third day because for years and years she realized she had been waiting and no one was coming. no one was coming.
everyone and everything right now is almost unbearable to me, i just cannot give anything, i cannot stand this friction, the fucking pettiness, just even the idea of trying to make peace with people who are fucking with me i just have, no more water, i am sick and sick and frightened and just want to be comforted, i am in so much psychological pain i keep forgetting nearly everything who the fuck i am what i was doing at that moment.
im still disintegrating. sometimes i think it will help if i hold still and then everything comes through my body roaring. i’m so exhausted i will pass out for a few minutes and then come to shaking a bit and i am laughing at things that go through my head like how i hate when people say ‘i hate seeing you like this’ because the answer is “really? then let me take your fucking eyes” or “if you think its hard to watch try it from inside of my body. here take my fucking body in fact, i give you this shit thing.”
i love how my roommate won’t help me ‘cause she is this old ass libra and libras are MONSTERS. thus says virgo.
This brings up quite a few issues. Everyone should be required to take Sociology classes.
i love it when people are like “your abandonment is worse than a greeting.”
this is one of the most totalitarian statements i have ever heard.
it reminds me of that one Futurama movie where the thing from the other dimension voiced by David Cross tentacles everyone and they become his complacent drones. Maybe that should be your new image for liquefactionism.
my life is pretty ridiculously fucked right now. i do not know who i can depend on and i feel like any help i could get is reliant upon me maintaining this fucking mask that is interesting and stable when i have been crying since i woke up this morning and have been shitting blood for 2 days because that is how fucked my life is right now. i am a single mother in a city that is nominally progressive but is functionally mostly white and very racist. i have to go out into this cold fucking place full of people with so much privilege they think that it isn’t problematic how they marginalize people who lack even just a little of it and find a place to live by the end of september. i have no job and no fucking money.i was in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship that ended suddenly late in the spring and have just been bleeding out mostly since then, have moved, i’ve been in bad fucking health in one way or another most of the summer, and now my ‘roommate’ (or over-fucking-privileged boomer asshole) said her therapist told her she needed to live by herself,so everyone who is renting from her has to be out by the end of the month. the father of my child is a wonder of white privilege and irresponsibility and is having too much fun being ‘homeless’ to take his two computer science degrees and get a job and a place to live so that just maybe, maybe he can help out raising his child. i am so fucking skint right now i cannot even do the thing i do for money which is buy clothes on consignment and flip them. people have helped me but in general it seems like they require more than i have to give me the little fucking bit of assistance that i get from them. i am shitting blood and i do not want to go to the doctor anymore because i am sick of not being loved enough. i just want some fucking patience and kindness and a moment to breathe and to feel safe in some part of my life. i need to be held. i need to be held. i need to be held. i need to be fucked. i need to be loved. i cannot hold this center much longer, i am disintegrating inside and out. i want to write and read and love and study.i want a better life for my daughter. i do not deserve this she does not deserve this.
Yes. Yes, perhaps.” —
Jacques Derrida (via ghostorballoon)